Natalia's Grave Mistake
by OhFonverse
Summary: When Fields of Fonons appear on the battlefield, decisions must be made, and mistakes MUST be rectified. JATALIA. One-shot. Rating for organ rummaging, hematochezia, and Fashion Emergencies.


**Natalia's Grave Mistake**

"_One mistakes, all it takes_

_And your life has come undone…."_

**Garbage, Breaking Up The Girl**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

Jade the Necromancer let out a deep sigh and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. _Here we go again_ he thought, _one can only hope for success, but expect utter failure to prevent the inevitable shattering disappointment_. Turning around, hands in pockets, he quietly watched Tear searching the corpses of their most recently slain set of monsters.

He mused to himself that this was _exactly _the 821st time he had witnessed such a scene, and all for their desired loot, a fonstone fragment. He had to admit that it was getting _extremely _tiresome to have been wandering in the same five square mile radius for _weeks_ in search of an obscure item needed to make Anise a new doll.

Jade observed with morbid fascination as Tear's hands plunged into the bloody carcass, resulting in a soft squelching sound as she fondled various internal organs in search of their precious treasure. The rest of his companions watched in an anxious hush as Tear stoically inspected the carnage, paying no heed to kidneys and spleens alike. With a surprised gasp, Tear suddenly withdrew her arm in excitement, producing an item. However, there were still guts left on her hand and arm that slowly dripped onto her dress. Tear did not appear to notice as her face suddenly fell and she said with disgust, "oh _look_. _Another_ fleck of gold dust."

With that, Luke let out a snort. "Natalia, are you _really_ sure that that outfit of yours is actually supposed to help us find stuff? Because really, it just looks kind of stupid."

"Well, I never!" Natalia huffed, crossing her arms.

"Look, we've been going around here FOREVER looking for this stupid thing," Luke complained, kicking at a pile of dirt. "I'm starting to think that these Grewigles are purposely fucking with us because they find your appearance so retarded."

The Necromancer smirked, nodding in agreement with Luke. Not only was Natalia's outfit a Fashion Emergency, but it had been wholly impractical for the purposes of their mission. Jade noted with moderate distaste the snakeskin boots, the skintight leggings, the hideous, shapeless skirt and gaudy leather top; and also, last but not least- that absolutely _infuriating_ cowboy hat. The only aspect of the Princess' attire that Jade found even slightly "Adventurous" was her willingness to actually be _seen_ in public wearing it. The group's lack of ability thus far to procure the item reminded him of the strong resentments he harbored considering that people had actually _witnessed_ him side-by-side with such a stupid, silly girl.

Suppressing the urge to backhand Natalia Luzu Kimlasca Lanvaldear on the spot, Jade turned away from the group and began heading east. "Shall we be on our way?" he asked, sunlight glinting off of his glasses.

His companions agreed, and Tear rose from the ground, wiping blood and guts on her dress with a scowl plastered on her face. Jade could not blame her; after all, he had politely refused carcass-rooting duties, citing his many years in the Malkuth military looting, pillaging and otherwise defiling the corpses of monsters and enemies alike as already having performed his "civic duties to the bestiary of Aulderant". It was not the truth of course, but _he_ certainly was not going to get Grewigle innards on his neatly pressed and perfect uniform, even if it _was_ for cute little Anise. The young lady in question had cleverly referenced the Fon Master's aversion to blood as her likely excuse to stand with him away from the group, and by the time the rest had concocted their own ridiculous lies, Tear was the one left to do all of the work. Jade _might_ have been able to muster up some pity, but he discovered that his mirth at Tear's plight greatly outweighed any sense of empathy.

As they walked to their next battle, to amuse himself, Jade began plotting the sorts of medicines he would "slip" in Natalia's curry this evening, knowing that the sounds of her agonizing discomfort as she experienced a sudden onset of the runs would help him sleep better that night. He contemplated sharing his mischievous plan with Anise, whose extremely obvious dislike of the Princess would undoubtedly make her a formidable ally in its execution. Plus, she_ loved_ to cook.

Jade was not given much time to be lost in his thoughts, however, as they were quickly ambushed by yet another set of Grewigles, flopping angrily in their direction. Much to his dismay, the monsters had snuck up behind them and so they were caught entirely unprepared. Jade whirled around, producing his spear and sarcastically laughing, "Our formation…it's _terrible_!"

Tear whipped out her wand, her jaw set in fierce determination to destroy her enemy. "I'm not good at holding back," she remarked, as she began to cast a fonic arte. The Necromancer smirked as he began to hear the incantation for Invoke Gale, one of his very favorite spells that Tear liked to cast just for him.

Readying his own fonic arte as the field of fonons for Wind and Light materialized beneath his feet, Jade noticed out of the corner of his eye that Anise, perched on Tokunaga, was making her way towards him. Jade smiled at her as he made room for the puppeteer inside the circle. "Shall we cast together, Anise?" he asked.

"Bring all to ash and ruin! Explosion!" The Necromancer fused together the fonons of Fire and Air to call forth a mighty burst that simultaneously exploded and knocked back their enemies.

"Hammer of lightning, make 'em tingle...," giggled Anise, "Spark Wave!" The young girl let out a squeal of delight as her spell electrocuted a Grewigle, turning its body into smoking ash.

The two fonists exchanged satisfied glances as their artes pulverized the enemy. They did not take long, however, to get back into the thick of battle.

"Oh my," commented Natalia, having noticed the exchange with all of the free time afforded her, being useless and all, "it's so wonderful to see you two working _so_ nicely together to share your fields of fonons!" Both of them ignored her.

Turning away, Jade looked ahead to where Luke and Guy were fighting, and he noticed that Tear had just completed casting Holy Lance. Grinning to himself, he began to make his way towards what would eventually be a full Light circle-_just for him_. His spine tingled with anticipation as he mentally went through his spell arsenal, selecting yet another extremely useful arte that could only be cast in a special circumstance such as this.

He was _not_ expecting competition.

**She** came from the right side, bow in hand, boots awkwardly shuffling on the soft grass as she stepped into the Light circle. She looked up at Jade with a smile, no doubt to disarm him of suspecting her _true_ intentions, the conniving slut. Natalia extended her arm forwards to begin her incantation; and was undoubtedly planning to use the circle to casting an exceedingly _useful _arte, such as Voltaic Line.

Unacceptable.

_Oh Princess Natalia_, he thought, _you should know that _**nobody** _dares to steal_ **my** _fields of fonons…._

"Excuse me…"

Stepping forwards, Jade nonchalantly rammed his right fist powerfully and violently into Natalia's stomach, causing the Princess' head to snap back as her legs buckled beneath her. Cowboy hat sailing off of her head, and her eyes wide with a vapid expression as saliva spewed forth from her open mouth, Natalia crumpled to the ground with a soft thud- thankfully preventing the theft of Jade's precious Light circle. Jade smiled.

As the Princess gasped for breath and clawed at his leg in anger, the Necromancer began the incantation for his fonic arte to the sound of nearby Anise, who had undoubtedly witnessed the Truth, crooning, "Colonel you're _so_ cool!"

"O flames of hell, bring unto them the wrath of the lord of fire! Flare

Tornado!" Jade once again fused together Fire and Air, but this time into a flashier spell that juggled a few Gremwigles in the air before searing them to crisp, black perfection. Following the completion of the arte, Jade shook Natalia's hand off of his boots and _tsked_ at the Princess, who was still notably-and amusingly- gasping for air.

"My, my Princess, it's _entirely_ unladylike of you to be all tripping about on the battlefield, don't you think?" Jade graced her with his most sardonic grin. "Look, you dropped your hat," he remarked as he knelt to retrieve her cowboy hat, dusting it off before gently placing it back on her trembling head.

Ignoring the shocked and appalled expressions of his companions, Jade left to join Ion and Anise beneath a tree for some tart, refreshing Strawberry Mix to celebrate a victory well-earned and flawlessly executed. _Oh, it's these small triumphs that really make this all worth it…._

_______________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning at the inn, Jade was serenely sipping his morning tea and reading a book, when he was rudely interrupted by Tear storming into the dining room, heels clacking on the hardwood floors like the hooves of Death's steed itself. She stopped at his table, glowering at him.

"You _bastard_, Natalia has _blood _in her stool from what you did to her!" Her cheeks were a delightful shade of crimson, and the Necromancer had detected a hint of a crack in tear's voice. "In this condition she won't be able to fight for _days_!"

Jade had seldom seen the hymnist so angry, so he felt it best to feign ignorance as Tear Grants was probably the last person in the party he wished to cross spears with. "I really have no idea what you're talking about; she must have had _quite_ the fall yesterday. Pity, that." He pushed his glasses up with his forefinger and then shrugged his shoulders, to dismiss the issue. "Care to join me for tea and a croissant?"

When Tear had stomped out of the dining room and back upstairs, he only smiled to himself. Those kids just had no sense of humor, _really._ He frowned slightly in disappointment as he realized that it would be prudent if Natalia's volatile diarrhea could wait for another time. What a bother.


End file.
